Hi there. If you don’t already know, my name is Kevin Bland (AKA TheShitSEO)
For the best part of 15 years I have been a sad SEO who sits in his bedroom, doing SEO within the online carpet niche, eating shit loads of KFC, getting so fat I can hardly see my penis, and furiously wanking into socks.
Yes I know, I sound like the most depressing thing/object/man in the world.
But this doesn’t stop me from knowing how to treat a lady. Being an SEO you’d think that I wouldn’t know how to please a lady either! WRONG!
Every payday, I head down to Whitstable Thai Massage Shop and get a nice seeing to by an ex ladyboy called Wing Wong Sum Dai. She’s all woman now, so I’m not gay boy!
Being one of SEOs horniest sex guys, I get asked for dating tips a lot, especially at conferences like MozCon and BrightonSEO.
It’s common knowledge that I’ve had numerous sexual conquests within SEO and have made sweet love to most chicks at various agencies in my time. I’ve had sex with two women before while outreaching to some high DA carpet blogs!.
Also, once in the toilets at ThinkVis, a fat SEO guy fell onto me while at the urinals. He barely penetrated me, but I still count him as a conquest.
I take it as my own responsibility to share my expertise when it comes to dating females, so I’ve hacked together a dating guide for SEOs which is guaranteed to summon the pussyapocalypse.
So get your printer ready to print this out and hold with you at every SEO conference you ever go to. Go get yourself some beers, settle down and be prepared to be educated by the pussy master and penis king of the SEO world!
Getting The Date, Bringing home the bacon etc etc.
Stating the obvious here, but the very first thing you need to do is get a date with an SEO woman or just a normal woman. Either will do. You need to get a date with a woman as there’s no way you can date yourself. Remember that.
Actually you can have a date with yourself, but it requires a lot of running to the opposite side of the table and shifting between a normal and high-pitched voice.
A lot of SEO guys will ask a woman out on a date by tweeting them, texting or messaging them on Facebook. SEO chicks and women in general fucking hate this shit!
They spend all day on social media and the internet, so why would they want to romance on there as well? Doing this just shows that you lack creativity, and comes across that you’re boring and would not be able to satisfy her in bed.
Use a little creativity, and growth hacking skills. Hire a male cheerleading crew, and ask her through a series of high kicks and pompom twirls, and cheer out ‘WILL YOU GO ON A DATE WITH ME‘. Do this at about 2am in the morning, as science say that women are at their horniest at this time and she’ll probably cum when she sees what’s going on.
If you have no creativity (not surprising really as you’re an SEO) ask her face-to-face or over the phone, you’ll need to be romantic and creative with how you ask. Steer clear of using words such as “Rand Fishkin”, “Flange Butter” and “Quim” but rather utilise romantic keywords such as “Petal”, “Love Pickle” and “Genital hygiene.”
Once you’ve asked the question immediately slam the phone down so hard that the vibrations would reverberate through the wire and make her cum and then throw telephone into the sea.
You need to play hard to get. If a girl locates you within 2 weeks, the relationship won’t last. 2 to 6 weeks is ideal, any more than this and chances are that she’s not interested or didn’t quite catch what you said.
Make a Great First Impression
So she found you after 2 to 6 weeks and you have a date! YES!!! Back of the net!!
You’ve nearly booked a first class ticket to Vagina Town CA, population YOUR PENIS!.
Lets say your first date is at a restaurant. Like men, women need food to survive, and if your date is fat, she’s going to love it! She’ll probably love it so much that she will want to have you for pudding.
Now, first impressions are everything. You need to make yourself stand out from the crowd. When she walks into the restaurant and catches sight of you, by joe she’ll be judging you right away. If you’re sitting there with a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates, while wearing some smelly, shitty plaid shirt you bought from Topman, she’s going to think “fuck that dude” (Metaphorically, not vaginally) She knows you’re an SEO and probably had the preconception that you’re a boring piece of shit! No she is certain that you are! She’ll no doubt spend the rest of the date hoping you’ll suddenly contract ebola and bleed and shit to death.
What you need to do is showcase your talents! Showcase your shit man!
Good at creating infographics?
Bring your portfolio of work in an A3 leather portfolio holder.
Play the guitar?
Make sure you’re playing it when she enters the place.
Wear the right threads
When you go on dates, the clothes you wear say so much about you, your personality, what you are like as a human being.
T-shirt and jeans? “I don’t give a shit, I have no interests and have put zero effort into this date.”
Plaid shirt? “Sex offender.”
Cream chinos, light blue slim fit shirt, cravat and denim federer ? “Very cool and experienced at doing sex.”
Your attire is so critical when going on a date. You need to show your personality and hobbies through your clothes. Into rock climbing? Wear your rock climbing gear, but make sure you stress to your date that you have no intention of using the rope during sex.
Interested in medieval battle re-enactments? Rent a suit of armour and a horse. I’ve been on many successful dates and every time I’ve worn the same thing.. denim dungarees, a bowler hat and two monocles, and that’s the reason the front of my skull is fractured in the shape of a vagina.
Compliment your date big time!
It’s no secret that women like being complimented. It makes them feel special.
Make sure you compliment her as much as you can. No compliments is too big.
When she takes a bite of her food compliment the way she holds a knife and fork, compliment her the way she get’s up to go to the toilet, compliment her on the time it took her to go to the toilet, if it’s quick say how efficient she is at getting her body waste out, if it’s slow, tell her that you admire a woman who shits with patients. You literally cannot compliment a woman too much.
Flirting doesn’t come naturally to everyone, especially SEOs, but if you take heed of the following flirting tips and you will be up to your nuts in guts before the night is out!
Eat all your food in a really seductive way. Order a whole chicken and playfully rub your fingers around the arse, so she can see that you know how to please a bird.
Every 15 to 20 minutes, get off your chair and do a forward on the carpet. Make sure you don’t ever make reference to it, otherwise it will seem forced.
List all the types of Elves in Warhammer that you know. Most women look for men to know between 10 to 15 different Elves and 5 of them should be from the Dark Elves clan.
If your female date gets up to use the toilet, say to her “I piss you already” and give her a little wink and repeat between 8-12 times with both eyes. She’ll love the clever wordplay and whenever she sees piss or smells piss, she’ll think of you.
Well that’s it for part one. Print this out and study it everyday for a week, and like me you will have a highly optimised dating strategy going forward.
Thanks for reading!
Love KBomb! BOOOOOMMM!!!!