SEOs need a bit of help when it comes to interacting with each other in person, as most of the time we just forge relationships via Twitter and email. When we meet each other face to face at conferences, there’s no hiding behind a keyboard, computer screen or stupid and often unfunny / predictable jokes and comeback to tweets. It’s a face to face fucking nightmare for most of us, having to actually show that we have a personality.
So that’s why I want to help you guys by writing this insightful guide to meeting other SEOs / Marketers at MozCon.
Because let’s face it, we need a little bit of help from a fat, socially retarded SEO from Kent, UK, who’s only ever sexual experience was when my female hairdresser accidently pressed her fanny ( that’s English for vagina ) onto the back of my hand, which was resting on the arm of the chair I was sitting on.
So let’s kick this off guide of awesomeness!!!
1. Before you arrive at #MozCon Announce Your Arrival
It´s so important to announce your impending arrival at MozCon so you can start building friends
(just like building links really) with a few tweets like this..
Letting people know that you’ve just got on a plane or you´re just about to get on a plane, or you´re getting on a plane in a few hours, or you’ve FourSquared yourself near an airport shows that you’re socially savvy and that you mean business when you do turn up.
People know that you’re going to be there, and that´s better than just turning up and nobody knowing who the fuck you are.
Promote yourself at all times, even if the fucking conference hasn´t started. Also, you owe it to your followers. They need to know where you´re going. And if they are following you due to you being in SEO and content marketing, fuck me you need to ram it down their necks that you are going to the 2nd best SEO conference in the world and that you will be killing it!!!
2. Fuck about with your deck
If you´re speaking at MozCon, why not give everyone on that hashtag a running commentary on the progress of your “deck”.
It´ll impress the shit out of everyone and will no doubt make you a magnet to other like minded SEOs and marketers at mozcon.
If you´re nearly finished your deck TWEET IT!
If you´ve lost the whole fucking lot because you´re a dumb prick and didn´t save your work TWEET IT!
If you’ve been up for 72 hours trying to finish your deck TWEET IT!
If your deck is done and you´re smug about it, FUCKING TWEET IT BRO!!!
Even if you´re not speaking at MozCon, just say you have a deck and that its awesome and if you want to hear it, meet me at the back of the venue by the dust bins and I´ll recite it to you with hand gestures!
3. Try and make friends before you even get there
SEOs are social retards, so we need to make as many friends and potential hook ups as we can before we even get on the plane. This little tactic will make your visit to MozCon a lot more easier and enjoyable.
Something like this will do
“Hey, who´s going to #MozCon? Fancy meeting up for a beer?”
SEOs always start off with the word “Hey” so you’re onto a winner there. Hashtag everything with #MozCon so everyone who´s there will see it and want to hook up with your sorry ass.
Then the best bit is the mention of beer. SEOs love talking about meeting up for a beer, but strangely enough, they don’t drink beer.
Follow this tweet template and you will have loads of other SEOs / Marketers wanting to meet up for beers.
Here are few examples of SEOs reaching out to others for a little bit of SEO related company when they get to Seattle.
Unfortunately, my outreach tweet to Mark failed and he blocked me. To be fair, I´m not surprised after this tweet of mine..
4. Hijack the private meetups.
When you do land in America and you don’t have any friends to speak of, then why not just look on the #mozcon hashtag and see if you can hijack some meetups. There´s loads of SEOs who have friends, meeting up all over Seattle.
Find out where they are meeting and just turn up!
Look around the bar to see if you see any faces that match the Twitter accounts you’ve been stalking. When you see a familiar face, just walk up to them and say
“Hey, are you here for #Mozcon? Fancy a beer?”
As I said before, SEOs love beer, but not to drink.
SO this tactic will work. If they’re of the opposite sex, then just mention that you know Mike King and you’ll be fine. Everyone wants to be Mike King or be near him, so the fact that you know him will put you in good stead for the night with any SEO you meet.
5. Stamp your dominance on the conference
SEOs love a dominant figure. It makes them feel safe and gives them some opinions to have rather than forging their own.
A PROTIP would be to think of an aspect of marketing and at every opportunity say to people that it’s dead and that you´ve done
extensive testing on this and that you are ahead of the curve. If they question you further, just make your phone ring and say you have to take this.
Here´s another tip:
In order to not be ignored by rockstars or even just lowlife nobody SEOs from Germany, you need to somehow stamp your authority on the conference. The way to do this is to do the following.
1. Google a really competitive keyword term (Poker)
2. Make a note of the website that´s number 1 or 2 for that term
3. Tell people you are the inhouse inbounding director of outreach and links for that company.
So when they look it up, they will think you are awesome and won’t ignore you.
4. As an extra, set up your linkedin profile to show this complete fabrication. Another way would be to live tweet the fuck out of every other live tweeter.
Tweet about everything that is happening on stage, every word, every fucking breath taken in between the utter twaddle being spoken.
This way you’ll be comprehensive and people will be grateful of your live resource. SEO is all about creating resources afterall.
6. Stand out from the crowd
First impressions are everything at conferences. You need to make yourself stand out from the crowd. Everyone hates a nobody in SEO, so you need to get noticed. People who get noticed often have a wealth of friends and people who like being around them.
Be like them and you´ll be like a juicy shit and all those SEOs and valuable contacts within the industry are the flies.
So here is what you need to do to stand out.
This is real easy.
For Men: Go clean shaven and brush your teeth.
For Women: Get a spray tan and wear a dress and be attractive.
If you have you got a talent you need to showcase that shit! Play the Violin? Good at breakdancing? Exceptional infographic designer?
Great at outreach? Then you need to make sure you’re doing that as SOON as you arrive at MozCon.
If a rockstar SEO or influential member of inbound marketing sees a bunch of dudes doing nothing, and then sees you doing
the caterpillar on top of a giant statue of Roger Mozbot or creating a killer infographic via your macbook on a portable 40 inch screen, then you’re instantly going to be the coolest guy in their field of vision, and you’re off to the best possible start to promoting yourself at MozCon..
7. Getting some action at #MozCon
Everyone loves sex. Except SEOs. Getting action at MozCon is probably the hardest thing to do, as most of the women and men at #MozCon are either too busy live blogging or tweeting or that they have no sexual preferences. The way to get round this is to mention Mike King again.
This will bring them to their senses and make them hard (for men) or wet (for women). Mike has the lynx effect for SEOs. I´ve actually got a stiffy writing this now.
8. Complement Other SEOs
It´s no secret, SEOs love kissing ass and being complimented. In fact, compliment everyone you see as much as you can.
Save the real big compliments to only top people in SEO like Tom Critchlow and Wil Reynolds. When Wil Reynolds is speaking at MozCon, head over to him afterwards and compliment him on the firmness of his grip around his microphone or how pink and nice the inside of his mouth looks.
You literally cannot compliment an SEO rockstar too much, so let them just flow out of your mouth. Another really great tip when complementing a female SEO at MozCon is to keep changing your accent as you’re bombarding her with compliments. Female SEOs fucking love accents.
According to some in depth research which was made into an infographic at some point, the top three sexy accents that drive female SEOs wild are Italian, Geordie, and the Ali G.
Ideally you want to be screaming compliments at a Rockstar SEO at a rate of 12 per minute and a compliment density of around 69%.
If the Rockstar SEO can get even a single word into the conversation you’re doing it wrong and need to scream louder and increase the speed of the compliments.
9. Flirting at conferences
This is actually illegal at MozCon and is punishable by 10 years locked up in Moz’s basement with nothing but a looping rap CD of Mike King.
If you’re careful, you can successfully get away with flirting with other SEOs. After 30 minutes of screaming compliments at a female/male SEO (depending on what you go for sexually) you can stop. This is when the flirting can begin (that’s if you want to take it further sexually, but if you are just trying to ass kiss then just ask them for a ticket to their private after conference dinner).
Flirting doesn’t come naturally to SEOs, but if you take heed of the following advice, the organisers of Moz will be hurriedly placing cat litter trays around the person you are flirting with to soak up the sexual moisture. You need to laugh at everything the male or female SEO is saying.
Put some effort into the laugh. A pathetic little giggle here and there will not do. I’m talking a deafening belly laugh at every single thing he/she says.
Every few minutes run off to the toilets. When you come back calmly explain that he/she is so funny you shit yourself. They´ll love the effort you put in to laughing.
Another really successful flirting tactic is to list all the types of link building methods that you know. Most female SEOs look for male SEOs to know between 30-40 different white hat tactics. For Women SEOs, men would only expect you to know 4.
Well guys I hope this has been useful for you. If you like this then please share and also if you want me to make an ebook or
infographic out of this then email me and I’ll get onto it.