A lot of people within the SEO industry have been speculating as to why I’m in court and therefore missing BrightonSEO. Some are putting me in the same bracket as that awful piece of shit, Charles Floate, saying that I’m some nonce who got caught with a load of dodgy images on my laptop. Well I’m here to set the record straight and put this disgusting and slanderous rumours to bed.
I’m in court facing 7 charges of revenge porn against my cousin Angela (my mum’s sister).
Now i’m pretty sure there’s no law against having sexual intercourse with your cousin, while she’s drunk and in the confounds of the county of Kent. That I know for certain. What the law doesn’t take too kindly is when one films the whole sexual debacle and then accidentally uploads it to a popular Warhammer forum instead of a short video of me being crowned Whitstable Warhammer Interim Champion 2016. It’s an easy mistake to make, and one that I regretted ever since that fateful night before Christmas.
As soon as I tried to delete the video of me giving my cousin one up the tradesman’s entrance, it had already been downloaded by a load of other Warhammer forum members and promptly uploaded to Pornhub and Tubeland under categories such as “Chubby Love”, “Small Cock” and “Mature Anal”.
Now my uncle Colin, who is married to my cousin Angela, is a paid subscriber to Pornhub and avid watcher of various niche porn sites, so it was only a matter of time (6 hours) until he would stumble across mine and Angela’s video of us having sordid yet sensual and intense anal penetration.
Why were you banging your cousin, Kev?
Fair question. Well….
Just before Christmas, my mum was taken ill and admitted to Kent & Canterbury hospital with a bad dose of pneumonia and severe vaginismus, and my dad was away in Cambodia for 2 weeks with a few of his morris dancing mates on a lads tour.
Anyway, on the Friday mum was taken into hospital, I was sitting in my bedroom doing a few imaginary site audits for Action Carpets when I heard the doorbell ring. I got up and went down stairs to see who the fuck it was, as nobody ever calls for me, mum or dad. To my surprise it was Angela, my cousin. She was a little worse for wear to say the least and demanded that I let her in. As she staggered past me, she slipped on Darth’s dog toy and twatted her head off the floor. She was out cold. So as any gentlemen would do in this situation, I picked her up off the floor, put her over my shoulder and took her up stairs into my bedroom. Once in my bedroom, I thought I’d better put her in the recovery position on my bed and remove her clothes, just in case it restricted the blood flow to her brain.
Thank the lord, she came round 20 minutes later, after i applied an ice pack on her head and administered a nice baby oil rub down to help the blood circulation.
“What happened?” She said.
“Where’s all my clothes?” She slurred.
“Why am I all slippery” She slurred again.
I explained what happened and everything was alright after that. She then went onto explain how Colin, my cousin’s husband and my mother’s brother, had left her for some tart who works in accounts at the fish processing plant in Whitstable.
She was very upset and very drunk. She had been drinking since that morning to try and numb the pain of betrayal.
She needed some comfort. A shoulder to cry on. Someone who she could talk to. She came round to unload all her troubles on mum, but I explained to her about mum’s pneumonia and fanny problems and that I would listen to her instead.
After hours and hours of crying and telling me every detail of why Colin is an absolute cunt, and drinking all of my mum’s Pernod, she pounced on me and started to rip my clothes off. Well I wasn’t going to stop her, as I pretty much haven’t had any action since Sharon ( Alan’s wife ) rewarded me for getting them a link on Buzzfeed.
As I was bashing away from behind, I started to look around the room to try and concentrate on boring stuff so that I wouldn’t end quickly. I wanted to impress my cousin, even though she stunk of lighter fluid and had a lady garden like a bear’s face. As I looked around the squalor of my sleeping accommodation, I noticed my video camera on a tripod, that I normally film myself with. It was within touching distance and it was pointing right at the two of us. So I switched it on and forgot about it.
Anyway, after a good 5 minutes of grinding, I came and Angela went on her merry way with a tender and loving memory of me.
The next day, I cancelled my meeting with Alan from Action Carpets and decided to have a day of watching the video of me and Angela. I downloaded it from my camera to my desktop computer and then watched it about 30 times in one morning. I then went on a few Warhammer forums to chat with some of the GWOFA members (Global Warhammer Oral Forfeit Association ). It was at that moment I accidentally uploaded the “Sex Video” instead of the video of me being honoured for my Warhammer playing genius.
So as soon as it was shared on Pornhub and Tubeland, it went viral. Everyone in the Warhammer forums were talking about Bland and his 2 inch cock and extremely fat back tits. Its been awful. I haven’t been able to do anything other than beat myself off over it.
Colin found it within 6 hours of it being posted online and was furious! Mainly because I did her up the arse and she wouldn’t ever let him do her there. With that intense jealousy burning in his stomach, he made Angela report this to the police as “Revenge Porn” and I was arrested.
I can’t go into too much detail about what happened from there on in, but all I can say is that I’m facing 7 charges of revenge porn and something called “incense”?????
Anyway, I will keep you updated while you guys are having fun at BrightonSEO.
Wish me luck