The Kevin Bland’s Guide To BrightonSEO


Photo by The Awesome Will Barnes (AKA The Sex Wanter)

One of the most inspiring moments of my life was when I got kicked out of BrightonSEO for spitting on the back of one of the guest speakers, when actually I was choking on some fish.

I didn’t mean to unload the contents of my mouth on the back of this well dressed man, eagerly awaiting his turn to speak on the great stage that every SEO one day dreams of standing on.

Before I could explain myself, I was out of the building with my Brighton SEO dreams in tatters.

Why would you say that this was inspiring, I hear you say?

Well as I was violently throwing up outside The Waggon & Horses pub after 8 pints of larger and also suffering from food poisoning from a dodgy burrito, a handsome man with George Michael stubble came up to me and said something so profound it makes me cry.

“I was once like you. Passionate about SEO and locally sourced fish. But this isn’t the way to go. You’re better than this Kevin.”

he said in a dulcet tone that can only be compared to by the voice of God. I wondered how he knew my name, but realised I had written my name in the vomit on the floor with my right foot while he was talking to me.

He went on to tell me about the future of SEO and where I should position myself in the inbound marketing cosmos.
That little chat will stay with me forever.

So who was that man who attended BrightonSEO and put Kevin on the right tracks and persuaded him to turn to content / inbound marketing? That man was Richard Baxter from BuiltVisable.

My point is, whether you are a fucking little bastard no-body like I was all those years ago or an SEO, online marketing God like Richard, we are all just equal at BrightonSEO. We all rub shoulders together and share wise words of wisdom.

If it wasn’t for Richard Baxter, I’d be working for Distilled. But instead, I’m rocking it with inbound, holistic marketers that intend on changing the internet for the good of mankind.

So to help other people out, and to make sure all that are attending BrightonSEO this year have an awesome time and get the most out of the experience, I have decided to write an ultimate, definitive, one stop shop guide to attending BrightonSEO. I hope you take on my knowledge that I have built up over the years and use it wisely and carefully. It’s powerful stuff!


1. Get there on time, nice and early

It’s important to get to an SEO conference nice and early. It doesn’t matter if people think you’re too keen. Fuck them! You want to show everyone that you are the man and that not only to you rank #1 for carpet related terms, but you rank #1 for the line of people waiting to get in!

Also, it might be an idea to get there a few days before. There are some amazing workshops there, with plenty of women who haven’t seen any of the male SEO talent yet. All those wankers are still at home packing their pants. You my friend are there early, with the hot SEO chicks. You know the old saying “The early bird catches the worm”. 

Last year I went to one of James Agate’s workshops and managed to get a few hot dates with some of the fit women attendees. They never turned up, but if they did, I’m sure I would have been up to my nuts in guts!


2. Get the train down the night before


There is nothing worse than getting down late to BrightonSEO. People will literally hate you for this and it will ruin your experience of this amazing conference. So if you’re not planning on gobbling up the early bird pussy that will be attending the Thursday workshops, you can easily take advantage of an extra night of shagging in Brighton by getting the train down on Thursday afternoon.

Let’s imagine these two scenarios:

Scenario One:
– Wake up 5am to mastarbate and get washed dressed etc, then get to London Bridge, only to find out the train has been delayed due to a suicide.

– You pull into Brighton train station at 8:55am and start running down Queen’s St like you’re being chased by a gang of gay rapists, because you don’t want to miss the first session of the day.

– You manage to get your badge, you run in to the hall, sweating and breathing heavily, trying to find a seat close to the stage. You see a spare seat in the middle of a row and have to squeeze past about 20 people who are already seated.

– You finally sit down to then realise that your penis was hanging out of your zipper.


Scenario 2:
– Thursday afternoon, you have booked to leave work early at 3pm, so at 2:50pm you go to the toilets to knock one out to waste that last 5 mins.

– Then you take a stress free train which arrives in Brighton at around 8pm. This gives you enough time to knock another one out in your hotel room’s toilet, jump in the shower, then relax in your hotel, socialize with other SEOs in the industry and enjoy the town, maybe get some action with the super keen SEO chicks that have made it down there as well.

– The next morning, after taking a shower, knocking another one out, eating a full english breakfast with black pudding and a couple of fried slices, drinking a fabulous caramel macchiato, you’re in front of the Brighton Dome at 7.30am ranking #1 for being in the SEO cue.

– You can chat with a few other fat bearded SEOs while waiting for your badge, and enjoying the skirt from all these trendy London agencies.

Scenario two beats scenario one by a clear mile!


3. Get yourself a really uber cool hotel


Every decent SEO stays at a cool hotel. If you don’t, then you are seen as a failure and not apart of the rockstar seo exclusive niche. You think Mike King stays in a fucking Premier Inn? No way. Boutique is the way to go when you’re staying in Brighton.

Here are a few awesome boutique hotels that any SEO worth his salt would stay in. You’ll probably see Charles Floate in one of them, but don’t let this put you off.


4. Grab lunch or meet for beers with your new SEO friends.


Being fat and ugly has a massive effect when it comes to making new friends. Most of my friends are back in Whitstable and are mainly from my Warhammer conferences and battle nights where we have the “Oral Forfeit”. But being fat and ugly AND an SEO, makes normal life extremely hard. Not at BrightonSEO!!! You can just be your disgusting and socially awkward self.

There’s loads of like minded people like yourself, to interact with, exchange negative seo stories, talk about content and cool memes and just be you!

Lunch is such an important event at the Brighton SEO conference. Why?

Well it’s not about the food, or the lovely surroundings or who you go to lunch with, or if there’s a fusball table. It’s about meeting up with real people in real time in the real world. If you’re not sure how to meet up with people, get on Twitter and just talk to people on there. This is great if you feel a little sick about interacting with real life bodies.


Just send Tweets to people who are in the same room as you, and then you’ll never have to go through the hassle of actually talking to these cunts. Using the #BrightonSeo hashtag, you can arrange a lunch date with others in the industry, or my personal favourite, #MeetForBeers.

Once you have constructed your crew of either real life new friends or just some new Twitter friends that you’ll never meet, it’s time to plan where you want to eat.

I live in Whitstable, Kent, so I’m not really that well versed in eating out, so my advice to you is, follow where everyone else is going. Eventually you’ll see a cafe or restaurant full of checked shirts, bearded, glasses-wearing pricks. I could link to a “Top Ten Places To Eat If You’re At BrightonSEO”, written by some SEO wanker wanting links, but I ain’t giving out sweet link candy to just anybody!


5. Don’t talk about SEO

Back in 2013, SEO died. First it was raped and brutally fisted by Google, then shot in the head by inbound marketing with a content gun full of infographic and top 10 blog post bullets. If you want to keep your credibility as an online / inbound marketer, you need to stop this shit about SEO and start talking about growing an audience, building a brand, developing relationships and hacking stuff.

SEO is like talking about the good old days when you used to watch Rolf’s Cartoon Club or danced in your bedroom to Gary Glitter songs. No one talks about that shit anymore! It’s taboo!

Please remember there is life outside of online / inbound marketing / so you don’t need to spend your time talking about keyword density and what keywords to put in your meta tags. Try talking about your hobbies. I love battle reenactments so I’ll be talking about that non-stop to anyone I meet. Share some funny old stories with your new friends. I’m going to share the tale about the time me and a certain SEO Rockstar spit roasted an African prostitute at #MozCon. That was a blast!!

Because you’re an SEO, you’re probably not going to be to sure what to talk about, so why not prepare beforehand and write some conversation topics on your Evernote app. Then when things get a bit stale in the talking stakes, have a quick look and then let rip!!


6. Try to impress at every opportunity


SEO / Inbound Marketing is a competitive arena. You need to try and gain respect and admiration at every possible moment. It’s not enough to just make small talk at lunch or just sit and watch the speakers talk about amazing inbound marketing insights. You need to make sure you impress hard, especially the ladies.

Here are some quick tips:

– When a someone is speaking on stage and they say something mindblowingly good, stand up straight away and say “Yeah man I knew that like a year ago” or just tell the person next to you and the person next to them that you already knew that shit.

– When you’ve been eating chicken wings, don’t wipe the slippery, shiny grease from your hands. Leave them on there so your new SEO friends will think that you’ve just been fingering a hot female SEO in the toilets.

– Boast about the amount of links you “earned” from just one infographic you did, then tell them that you’ve got a massive penis (for women say you’re clit is like a dog’s tongue)


7. Live tweet with #BrightonSEO to get your inbound credits with rockstars and pussy

There’s no such thing as over promotion in this game. You need to be tweeting every single related hastag associated with BrightonSEO so that you can build a name for yourself as an authority within content / inbound / online marketing.


You want to be a fucking rockstar don’t you? Well listen up! Make sure you live tweet every single person that gets on stage. BrightonSEO, for most awesome SEOs, should be nothing more than a Twitter-day. Don’t worry about listening to them. Just take a few sentences that they say, and go hard on your keyboard and press tweet, with the #tag #BrightonSEO. No one else will be taking notice of the actual content of your tweet.

All they will see is a fucking awesome dude with a cool avatar tweeting on the BrightonSEO hashtag!

Ideally you should be live tweeting so much that by the end of the day, both hands will be numb, and you know what that means…..ghost wanking back at the hotel!!! Yay!!!

Here’s a list of all the awesome speakers at #BrightonSEO that you need to tweet at and impress. I’ve written a little bio about each one.

Speakers and Trainers at BrightonSEO that you need to be tweeting at:

Daniel Keshaw twitter: @DanJamker
Like most online marketers and developers, he is totally obsessed with coffee and not much else.

Lukasz Zelezny twitter: @LukaszZelezny
Great to see #brightonseo giving a voice to the homeless SEOs.

Aleyda Solis twitter: @Aleyda
Looking forward to Aleyda’s deck. Apparently she wants my deck after 😉

David Whatley twitter: @MiShoplocal
Local SEO dude. Can’t do the real stuff so he has to fuck about with shops and businesses in one horse towns.

Matthew Brown twitter: @MatthewJBrown
Ginger Moz fan boy. Loves flying kites and growing growth.

Dawn Anderson twitter: @DawnieAndo
Highly talented digital marketing strategist and hot piece of ass.

Matt Roberts twitter: @Linkdex_Matt
A guy who’s only goal at BrightonSEO is to sell linkdex to all you stupid muthafukas!

Aaron Friedman twitter: @AaronFriedman
Creative inbound marketer, proud father, loving husband, serial killer etc.

Dara Fitzgerald twitter: @DaraFitzgerald
Full time husband and pussy wanter. Inbound wizard of the highest order.

Matt Beswick twitter: @MattBeswick
Self confessed SEO geek and fucker of dogs.

Gisele Navarro twitter: @ichbinGisele
Talented outreach chick who I hope to one day love and cherish as my wife.

Dan Patmore twitter: @ideasfordad
Big friendly bearded dad

Adam Lofting twitter: @AdamLofting
Web geek who used to be a wrestler back in the 90s in the WWF

Kirsty Hulse twitter: @Kirsty_Hulse
The woman who I would most like to share loving moments with.

Gerry White twitter: @dergal
Another big friendly bearded dad.

Alec Bertram twitter: @KiwiAlec
An SEO with a difference. He likes to inflate balloons inside his asshole.

Jan Willem-Bobbink twitter: @JBobbink
A scientific SEO who is the only person in the world with a .eu domain

Laura Crimmons twitter: @LauraCrimmons
Lovely Laura is right up my alley and I’d love to be up hers too.

Adrien Menard twitter: @Adrien_Men
Cartoon character in an animated Japanese porn film.

Gary Moyle twitter: @GaryMoyle
A GoogleGlass wearing Cornish SEO. One of only two SEOs in Cornwall.

Shelli Walsh twitter: @ShelliWalsh
Highly creative and highly attractive.

John Hutson twitter: @JohnHutson
If anyone is getting any pussy at BrightonSEO, it’s this guy! x10 more attractive than Nick Eubanks.

Andy Miller twitter: @Andyjm101
Loves SEO, works at BlueGlass and cross dresses.

Emma Haslam twitter: @ehaslam
Nice girl.

Jon Earnshaw twitter: @JonEarnshaw
He’s been an SEO for the past 50 years.

Dipesh Pattni twitter: @Dipesh_Mode
There’s not a person in this world who is more passionate about SEO. He literally has sex with algorithms.

Ian Miller twitter: @MillerIan
One of Suffolk’s best SEOs with a beard.

Tom Bennet twitter: @tomcbennet
Skydiver and lover of pasta. Works with my best buddy Richard Baxter at BulletVisa

Alexandra Tachalova twitter:@AlexTachalova
This girl is not only highly talented in what she does professionally, but she’s also going to be my girlfriend next week.

Marcus Tober twitter: @MarcusTober
He’s going to sell SearchMetrics to you.

Tom Whittam twitter:
Doesn’t have one because he’s not really that good.

Jackie Hole twitter: @JackieHole
Get’s a bit violent after a few beers, but lovely girl!

Asher Baker twitter: ?
Not sure how he got a speaking gig without a twitter account.

Tim Stewart twitter: @pjeedai
Crazy bastard! LOLZ


8. Get in the faces of the exhibitors


This is a great opportunity to get loads of free stuff. Exhibitors want your money, they need to make sales, so they will do almost anything to get your email address, personal details and cash out of your pocket. Why not lead them on like a tarty MILF pub barmaid would, take them for all the t-shirts, USB sticks and branded condoms that they have, and then go onto the next booth!

I have a lifetime supply of Moz pens, SEMrush t-shirts and branded mousemats from Linkdex that I could set up my own market stall in Whitstable and probably make more money at that than I do SEO!

The only problem with the t-shits is that most of them don’t come up in XXXXXL so I normally have to grab 3 of them and get my Nan to stitch me up a new big ass t-shirt out of them.

9. Leave on Saturday and not Friday night.


The Friday night after BrightonSEO is also known to the guys as “The Vaginapocalypse” or for the girls “Cockageddon”. If you leave straight after BrightonSEO on the Friday, back to your sad little lives, then you are missing out big time. Get the morning train on the Saturday! You don’t want to be commuting back on your own with Charles Floate! You want to be partying hard with the Brighton Inbound Massive!!!


After a long hard 2 days of BrightonSEO, trying to impress everyone and talking to new faces and new potential clients, everyone just wants to chill the fuck out and get pissed.

The BrightonSEO official after show party is literally like a 1980s Dutch orgy. Make sure you’re there ready to mingle!

Kevin’s last words of wisdom

Remember, no one gives a shit if you don’t do a round up post of BrightonSEO on the Friday night. It can wait till Monday. You only live once. Grab your opportunity to cement your place in SEO folk law by ranking #1 for being a Sexual Optimising King/Queen of SEO and Sex!

Enjoy! If you see me at Brighton, please do say hello. Meet for beers?.


Love Kevin Bland @TheShitSEO

Latest Comments
  1. Asher Baker September 11, 2014
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